Before Tuesday morning’s shower, I bent over to fix the bath mat and headbutted the towel rack, really solidly too. Now I have a triangular little divot in my forehead. Ouch!
I was more surprised than hurt so no big deal. I’ve a history of interacting with sharp or immoveable or sharp and immovable objects with my skull. If I were to shave my melon, it would probably look like a road map.
“Better yet! Build a 10 foot high tank trap monstrosity in the shape of your corporate logo! Pay some starving bearded hipster artist to make it from barbed wire and pointed re-bar! And then let it rust! Give them the idea that they might contract aerosolized tetanus just by cutting too close! That will surely keep them surly drivers from cutting unsightly ruts in the corner of your property! Except for those Swift drivers, but you shouldn’t allow them in here anyways. People store food here, for criminy’s sake!”
– Unsolicited advice given to the gate guard at a cold storage warehouse I frequent a lot. Seems that tired and stupid truck drivers are always tearing up the corner as they leave their lot. I saw a poor sod trying to scrape the dirt from the road and reposition the granite boulder that some moron had run over with their trailer tires. Unfortunately, my advice will probably not be heeded.
Too bad. It’s so rarely that I have a really good idea.
And oldie but a goodie, customer reviews for the “Three Wolf Moon” t-shirt on Amazon. My favorite review…
I have experienced many highs in my life. The scratch-off lottery ticket I purchased in lieu of a bottle of Boone’s Farm that resulted in $500 spending cash. The used black Camaro I bought with those winnings. Meeting Hulk Hogan. But nothing compares with the day my Three Wolves One Moon t-shirt arrived.
I happened to be at home that day, as I’d injured myself while shoveling manure at the local horse track. Sitting at the base of my tree house in my favorite resin Adirondack replica chair, I heard the distinctive cry of a lone wolf emanating somewhere on the other side of my parents double-wide trailer.
From around the corner came an enormous, weathered gray wolf. He approached me with a gleam in his eye, stepped off his customized Segway, and dropped a brown package from his dripping maw. I thanked the beast and bid him adieu. Before I could so much as lean over to pick up the package it rose into the air with a loud hum, split open and there before me hovered the Three Wolves One Moon t-shirt.
That was thirteen months ago. Thirteen months of adventures that I can barely describe lest I be labeled a lunatic. A few highlights for the true believers:
It was scary! Couldn’t see much at all from right eye, left eye was frozen on same scene no matter what I did, I could not move or blink it. I was disoriented, almost paralyzed and was really getting into a fully scale panic! I might have even cried a bit wondering what I was going to do now! I couldn’t find my phone must less call 911. How am I going to get out of this helicopter?
And then I discovered something very important! My right eye was closed because I was ASLEEP! My head was resting on my left arm and had peeled my left eye open. The unchanging scene was my arm, my watchband and the inside of my truck. I was paralyzed because I was napping, but I thought I was awake. My eyes were wet and red, especially the left one because it was propped open by my arm…
All the above is 100% true! I’m still a little shaken but apparently I just HAD to Twitter and blog about it… What a dumbass I am!
And, just how tricky can your brain be when you’re “not looking?”