Signal to Noise Rating: 25%
(Ok, I lied… I never made it to see Star Wars AOTC. Time and “soicumstance” conspired against me, so I went to work instead.)
Last night I just hung around the house with the wife and watched Atomic Twister. Tell you what, TV’s label as a “vast and empty wasteland” is still nice and secure.
This movie had been promoted for weeks, bombarding us with commercials telling us how good it was going to be. With nothing else to do last night, we settled down and watched it. This movie was a great “commercial vehicle,” in that there was an even split between actual movie and commercials, about an hour of show and at least an hour of ads (as if this was the freaking Super Bowl). Gawd, how I hate TV.
Here’s how the movie went. These tornadoes manage to sneak up on the local nuclear power station. And I do mean sneak, silently sneak. The Gate Guard (played by Carl Lewis, the only “brother” in town, so of course the first to die) walks out of his gatehouse to use his cell phone, he finishes the call and the tornado, who had been hiding QUIETLY BEHIND the gatehouse all this time, jumps out, sez BOO! and sucks him up and spits him out. Them the movie pretty much goes all downhill from there.
The nuke plant, was a pretty wimpy place. It’s phone system was knocked by the tornado, the satellite blew down, the radio blew away (cuz someone left the door open), there were also a few “papier mache” coolant pipes cracked by the sneaky tornado (how it did that inside a sealed containment building, I’ll never know), and of course the people who are running this place are mostly morons and idiots, except for the Heroine (Sharon Lawrence), who got her job via Affirmative Action. She has a cute pre-teen son (no daddy in sight), who plays Twister (the game) with the teen-age babysitter (with the really prominent cleavage). Said babysitter bites the dust later when the tornado silently sneaks up on the house and catches the her peeking out the window. You just can’t trust those sneaky tornadoes…
That guy from Saved By The Bell (Mark-Paul Gosselaar), played the irresponsible (yet reserve policeman) former fiancé of the daughter of the tough, grumpy police chief (Corben Bernson, who must have gotten a good nap during the filming of this flick). Anyway, he saves the Heroine’s kid, saves his former fiancé, saves East Tennessee from total nuclear annihilation by hijacking and delivering a load of diesel fuel to the plant. Damn…
Yeah, one other minor problem. How it is that a nuke power plant, whose only purpose is to generate electricity, had such a problem with power that they had to shutdown systems and use diesel generators to even make the computers work? And wasn’t it handy that a “leftover” generator that had been sitting and rusting for 20 plus years, starts up when the heroine gives it a swift kick, thereby saving the day and East Tennessee.
I thought I saw a subtle anti-nuke message somewhere but with the bad acting and the sucky plot, I wasn’t quite sure. Anyways, this movie’s plot really sucked ass, the special effects blew chunks, and the acting was downright crappy. It was a bad movie, not a cheesy bad movie that’s funny bad, but just plain bad. It would have been much more fun if everyone dies and East Tennessee had become a radioactive wasteland, but we can’t even get that break.
Introducing my rating system, the Signal to Noise Ratio. I figure every movie must have something good (signal) throught out all the stupidity and bad acting (noise). I gave this one a 25%, the only good points being the heroine’s tight shirt and the babysitters cleavage. So be it!