Tag Archives: god

George Carlin 1937-2008

(In memoriam to someone I dug all my life, I remember listening to his records before I my age was even in double digits.  He made me a big part of what I am today.  I don’t have the words, so I’ll just steal some of his.  Joe Bless You, George!)

george-carlin When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time!
But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!
But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would’ve been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.
No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.
So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.
And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that. If I can see something, I don’t know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us.
Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy. Doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn’t said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don’t pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship. It’s not polite.
I’ve often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It’s not nice. And it’s no way to treat a friend.
But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you’d really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?
Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn’t it seem a little arrogant? It’s a Divine Plan. What’s the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?
And here’s something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren’t answered. What do you say? "Well, it’s God’s will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it’s God’s will, and He’s going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It’s all very confusing.
So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he’s a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.
So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don’t. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit’s foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.
And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that’s a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn’t care for, by the way. And finally, I’ve always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was.
In fact, I’m gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody’s okay? All right, tell you what, I’ll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I’ve got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I’m blind. I’m blind, oh, now I’m okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci.
Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

To GAWD or not to GAWD…

I just heard on Fox News Channel that a federal appeals court in San Francisco has declared that the good old Pledge of Allegiance” is UNCONSTITUTIONAL and cannot be recited in a SCHOOL! What the fuck is going on over there in the Land of the Fruits, Nuts and Flakes?

UPDATE: Court seeks to overturn a 1954 US law that added “under god” to the Pledge. GAWD save us from the Rabid PC Atheist Fundamentalist Morons of the world… Still breaking…

“A profession that we are a nation ’under God’ is identical, for Establishment Clause purposes, to a profession that we are a nation ’under Jesus,’ a nation ’under Vishnu,’ a nation ’under Zeus,’ or a nation ’under no god,’ because none of these professions can be neutral with respect to religion,” Judge Alfred T. Goodwin wrote for the three-judge panel.

Nobody is required to say this thing. Nobody is getting executed if they don’t say it. If you say it in a school, it does NOT mean that the STATE says “HEY, YOU! GOD EXISTS! PRAY YOU HEATHEN BASTARD OR THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA WILL KILL YOU!!” This is massively ignorant. Even me, a half-blind, non-religious, atheist/agnostic blogger puke can see this…

From PejmanPundit: The Ninth Circuit Court in SF is the most overturned court in the country.

BTW: Fox News is “carpet-bombing” this story all over the airwaves. I’ve heard from Dick Morris, “The Judge” (can’t remember his name), Charlie Daniels and even the “atheist,” himself who when asked how he’s gonna protect his family from possible backlash, said he’s “gonna pray” before he caught himself.

I think this guy, this Michael A. Newdow, is one of those breed of PC Atheists who deep down aren’t as sure as they say that there is no GAWD. Because when the shit hits the fan, he’s “gonna pray” (according to the FOXNEWS interview I heard) to keep his family safe. Pray to WHO?

You know what I think? I don’t care if there is a GAWD or not. The Pledge is important to me because I am an American not because it has the words “under god” in there somewhere. If I say the Pledge, I’m not saying I believe in the GAWD of Abe and Jeezus and the ’Postles (or Mohammed or Buddha, etc). Cuz I don’t!

I’m not saying there is no GAWD, either. He’s not revealed himself to me and told me which of the hundreds of religions in the world is the “one, true belief.” So, until I hear from Him, lets just live our own lives and get along with the business of living. Hard enough task in this fucked up world without having to meet somewhere once a week and compare clothes.

I was never raised as a religious person. My folks were (and still) not church-going GAWD-fearing religious people. It was up to me to participate in religion or not. Back in my teen-age years I actually joined up with a church youth group for a school year. I wasn’t looking for something “missing” in my life, I was just into hanging out with my friends. All I really remember is the social aspects of it. GAWD certainly didn’t tap me on the shoulder in church or gave me a vision and “opened my eyes.” Which leaves me to wonder if he was ever really there in that pretty building with the stained glass windows.

I don’t sweat words on a plaque. I don’t live in fear that someone will come to my house one day, put a gun to my head and say “BELIEVE!” I don’t give a rats ass if someone says a prayer in my presence. I could care less that Congress says a benediction every morning. I’ve got a lot of more important worries in this life.

Do I Care?

When I though about it a bit, I’m not sure that I care whether the US military smacks the crap outta Afghanistan. You can’t really bomb them back to the stone age, they are already there. I don’t think the US is stupid enough to start bombing Afghans indiscriminately. Hopefully, we have learned better than that.

Reports out of Israel say it’s IRAQ, good ole Soddom, who paid for or planned the dirty deed. Now there is someone who would be worth a good pounding. Maybe first thing we do it flatten everyone of Soddom’s 50 or so palaces. That might actually be worth something. But still, what will it mean? Will it stop terrorists from attacking us or will it just make them pissier? I’m confused…


The 9-11 attack and the coming response… Should we be surprised? Haven’t “humans” been doing this to each other for about 100,000 years? People start identifying with a certain group, religion, ethnicity, nationality and from then on everyone who believes something different of what your group, religion, ethnicity, nationality believes is the enemy and it to be destroyed! I’m sure it all started when we were in the caves! One group would yell to the other:


And then the other group, knowing that that statement could not possibly be true, take offense and rush out to defend their god and everyone starts smacking each other in the skull with large pieces of wood

I don’t identify myself with any group, religion, or ethnicity (and I only call myself an American because I and a card carrying, dues-paying member of that particular group). What I am is an old white guy, pushing forty and spouting some really freaked up ideas. I’m just a part of the audience, watching the world fall apart and enjoying the entertainment.