Last night I was playing a little Skyrim after having downloaded the Dawnguard DLC, cleaned out a lot of mods I wasn’t using and updating the ones I could not do without. I was hoping that the character I’d been playing around with, a not too bright looking Nord named Chester (named after my cat, of course), would work OK after all the changes. Anyways, for all my troubles, I got a (pleasantly) nasty surprise. For those of you who don’t know what Skyrim is and somehow still got this far, it’s a massive, single player role playing game for the PC. Those of you still reading and having no desire to learn anymore about “video games” may be excused to go look at some funny cats.
Still here? OK! I was at the part in the main quest where the Dragonborn and his trusty follower Lydia were trying to rustle up an Elder Scroll in a region called Blackreach, a dark cavernous place with huge luminous fungi all over the place. After doing righteous battle with a Dwarven Centurion (and after resurrecting stupid Lydia for the third time) I came upon a temple looking building whose name I can’t remember, climbed many flights of stairs to the entrance, and I heard a gravelly voice scream “I SMELL WEAKNESS!” I had the captions on and the voice was identified as one Sauron, the big bad guy from Lord of the Rings. I was marveling, gobsmacked, at the 12 foot tall suit of Daedric armor, when it swatted me into the air with its trademark LOTR Mace. I was too busy enjoying the ragdoll hang time my character was getting to notice that Chester was most thoroughly dead.
Now, Chester is a likeable fellow, even with the funny ‘do, the knotted beard and the funked up eye, but this was just too much. He’s a level 25 Dragonborn Nord who has jogged all over Skyrim (horses are for pussies), fought dragons with one hand tied behind his back (sort of) and left nothing but smoking bones behind him as he moved on to the next fun thing (usually FUS-DOH-RAHing harmless wildlife off the side of mountains). But good old Sauron had just came out of nowhere, yelled “BOOGA, BOOGA!” and homered him into left center field! Now, this writer isn’t all too hip to the lore of Tamriel, but I was pretty darn sure that this wasn’t Mordor and Tolkien probably wasn’t working for Bethesda. I didn’t know what to ask first, the “how,” the “why” or the “what the fuck?” But think of that later!
My blood up, I reloaded from the save, had Chester slip on his trusty “Sacred Ring of Jeebus” (cheat ring extraordinaire), and went back into the fight. He did better this time, he was only KTFO’d (knocked the fuck out) four times as the Evil One played badminton with his wheeling body all over Blackreach. And then Chester DIED AGAIN! I spent 30 minutes, reloading, attacking, flying and dying and then decided to go primeval on his large ass. Console code TGM and then pound on the big guy in the red and black tin can for a solid five minutes. Chester got a beautiful killmove cinematic on the big fart (side note: When a six foot tall Nord moves in for a close kill on a twelve foot giant, the resulting “movie” looks almost… pr0n-like (shudder…)) and Sauron toppled like a tree.
I scavenged Sauron’s Mace, resurrected Lydia (for the fourth time), and spent a happy fifteen minutes swatting Falmer and their slaves into low earth orbit. Nothing to me, at that moment, was funnier than the sight of a live Falmer stuck to the ceiling having been bashed through the virtual walls of this temple. Exhausted, I saved, shutdown and went to sleep. Later, I’ll have to dig into my mods that I downloaded from Skyrim Nexus and see which one he popped out from. I have a suspect in mind, but we’ll see. I’ll post my mods and such for those who are interested.